break my heart for what breaks yours

This past June in Guatemala, I had one of those moments where, surrounded by chaos and noise the world became silent. Maybe you have experienced that before, where all the mayhem, colors and demands of the world around you all fade away as your focus is fixed on one single, precious thing.

the young honey I saw before me holding onto his momma

The day I met this sweet, precious child, our For the Love of Mateo group was delivering bunk beds, stoves, water filters and other donations to the remote village of Yalu, Guatemala. Feeling completely overwhelmed by the intense welcome we always receive, adding to the chaos the group leaders trying hard and loudly to explain to the village what we were going to be doing and how to put the water filters together, I stood on the outskirts of our group to breath and watch from a little distance. Yalu is a community deep in the gripe of poverty, and you do not have to look far to see the devastating effects of this in all the mothers and childrens lives. 

As the teams started assembling the water filters with the mothers and instructing them on what to do next, my gaze settled on this small boy holding onto his mothers hand. Past his torn, dirt stained clothes and crocs that were barely held together, I recognized the too common signs of child mal nourishment. Not more than maybe 4 years old, he barely had the energy to wipe flies away from his body, and his blinks were even slow. Despite the unfortunate circumstances of which he lives, he still managed to look up with those beautiful eyes that spoke so he didn't have to, and a smile that would melt the world if they knew it. In that moment, as the world around went silent for me, I stood there smiling back at this little boy, and my heart broke.

During this exact moment of heartbreak, one of my favorite songs, Hosanna, by Brooke Fraser came into my mind. The specific verse of the song, 'break my heart for what breaks yours' was playing over and over again in my mind, and in my heart. Now, I have prayed to God for some time now to guide me and to use me to help those in need in this broken world we all call home. I know he has opened my eyes to things in Guatemala that are unseen and my heart and soul have been crushed many times before. However, at this very moment, looking into this boys eyes, the life around us became still and silent, and I realized I was at my very weakness of moments, I was broken.  

If you have ever had moments in life that distress you so deeply, you'll understand this feeling of 'heartbreak', where it goes beyond emotional to a point where your heart aches with pain. This moment with the little boy is not the worst thing I have ever seen or experienced in Guatemala, but even that statement I just made, can we put a level or judge "worst moments vs the next" when dealing with people living in poverty? I think they are all terrible, unfair circumstances in life, but the point I am trying to make is, that moment is when God decided to speak to me through the little boy and let my heart feel. To let my heart know. To let me feel the feeling of my heart breaking for what breaks his. Having visited Guatemala 5 times prior, I have experienced moments of my body shaking inside of me, tears flowing down my cheek as I stand in a room full of tiny helpless children who will grow up to call the orphanage home, or being surrounded by children younger than 4 years old living on the streets begging for their survival, I have felt and witnessed pain. But, that day in Yalu, God helped me to understand something deeper.  At that moment, I realized that if my heart is breaking, then the heart of God must be in agony for such children and people across the world. When the pain and realization became so great,  I questioned the whole prayer and line of the song, break my heart. And then I was reminded of the line in the song that follows, 'Everything I am for your kingdoms cause' And i realize that  the first line can't be sung without the second, because if we are to take seriously this prayer to have our hearts broken and to be used for the service of others, then we must give everything we are and have, and commit our lives to the cause of bringing about Gods kingdom here on earth. It's too painful to stand in the middle, to constantly have my heart broken and not give everything in response. And there is no way I could keep experiencing and witnessing these things without the knowledge that in the end, 'The sound of weeping and of crying will be heard no more and never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days' (Isaiah 2:4)

'Break my heart for what breaks yours' will be a prayer that will never leave my heart. xo to this little honey, I can't wait until we meet again in a place that is beyond your most imaginable dreams.

John 13:34

It has been a while since I have written a post about what has been on my heart. Life has swept me away the past couple months and has kept me way too busy for my own liking to where I can't even keep my thoughts straight. Not being in Guatemala for a whole year has also distanced myself from the realities and struggle the people of Guatemala face on a daily basis, as much as I hate to admit that. I have sadly fallen back into the 'amazing race' way of life.

I have been praying for words to write in a post, and have not had much come to me, until today. Today I saw heart wrenching news about something absolutely.... just absolutely sad. I can't even think of any other word to describe it. Today at a government run orphanage in Guatemala, riots and a fire broke out, which took the lives of 31 teen girls (ages 14-17), 25 are severely burned, and over 50 are missing thus far. These riots were a result of the children rising up against the guards because of unjust punishment, sexual abuse, and horrific treatment. This orphanage has space for about 400 children, but over 800 are living there. My heart truly hurts that these children saw and had no other option of hope than to try and stick up for what they deserve, and in turn, sadly took the lives of those fighting for the same thing. Children who had no voice, children who had no family, no one to pray for them, are now gone trying to get that.

It hurts that I prayed hard for words to write, and this terrible situation is what is sparking my heart to speak. This tragedy in no way has God's name on it, but it's real. Real life happening, and not much being said about it, not many even know. To some in the world, watching a girl cry because she doesn't get a rose is real. I disagree.  Real is living without knowing love, waking up to no food, and going to bed with an empty stomach, not going one day of your life without tears in your eyes, being afraid to move or speak because you may be punished, sleeping on cold hard floors soiled with feces, never getting the chance to see what this life has to offer, I call that real.

We are all one race, the human race, and we need to start acting like it. Lets be a parent to those without parents, defenders to those who have no voice. Help the refugees. Help your local food bank. Help the man sleeping in the tent in your city park, even just a smile. Donate blood, you're donating a life. Just help.

To all those reading this,  who will be thinking or potentially send me emails how we need to help our own country first; you're entitled to that opinion, just as I am to mine. But here is my response to you...

Why not help anyone and all that you can? No matter what country they call home, everyone and anyone deserves help just as much as the rest. That could be you, but it's not. You could have been born in the slums of Africa. But you were born privileged by being born in a country that has structure. Even if you are born to an under privileged family, this country and many others have systems in place to help you get on your feet, and give you many chances if at first you don't succeed. That's something developing countries don't have.

Point is, let's all help our race rise again by helping others and be the race we were designed to be.

This life is not our own, and by each crime and  every kindness we birth our future, so let's make sure our actions are reflections of what we want to see for our future.

xo.

This is not your 'Ever After'

A letter to those who didn't choose to be without a family, without a home,

You did not ask for this. You did not have any say in the matter. You were handed this card in life and for that I am sorry. I am sorry you are going through the toughest and most broken days of your life at such a young, vulnerable age. There is so much good in the world, and I wan't you to know it, see it, and feel all of it. What the future holds for you may be hard to see now, but I have faith all of this will pass for you, and brighter days are ahead. You will get your happy ever after.

This is for all you sweet warriors who need it.

May people continue to stand up for what is right for you

May there be beauty for your eyes to see

May you have restful hours when days are long

May your light always shine and cast away any darkness

Through all that you reach for, I hope your arms never tire

May your speech always be with grace

May your song always be sung

May you have faith so that you believe

May laughter infect every fiber in your being

May your hurt turn to healing 

May you walk by faith even when you can not see

May your wounds become wisdom, and you use that wisdom to spread kindness

May you make every day so awesome yesterday gets jealous

May you never fear those mountains in the distance

May you have courage to know yourself

May you be brave enough to listen to your heart...

bold enough to use your voice...

and strong enough to live the life you have always imagined

May you have love to complete your life

and may you always remember, in Gods eyes you are never broken.

xoxo

The Street Kids of Guatemala

After their first initial shock, a good amount of people who hear you are planning a trip to Guatemala will inevitably ask you, "but what about the poverty, the corruption?" And they then of course will want a full report to support their pre-conceptions upon returning. At least, this is what I have experienced a time or two.

Like receiving a vaccine against a preventable disease, every website you read will tell you to prepare yourself, and protect yourself against the theft brought about by extreme desperation.  They will have all the tips for protecting yourself, that's one of the reasons you are on that website in the first place, right? Those who have gone before will warn you "It's pretty intense, especially the street kids, they will break your heart." and of course, they are completely right. Those kids will break your heart.

Two children laying outside of a shop on the side of the road in Panahachel.

In my travels to Guatemala, the locals, and the people we work with have never tried to steer us away from these areas, from this reality, which could be very disturbing to foreigners. And for that I am grateful. To avoid, or take in these realities in a negative manner would be incorrect to do. Guatemala offers unimaginable flavors to life, incredible sites, intoxicating sounds, and seriously indescribable experiences in general that this post wont even come close to explaining. It also offers a look/feel at extreme inequality and devastating poverty.

Mother begging with her toddler in Antigua. 

To ignore this would be to hold an incomplete view of Guatemala. Poverty does exist. It exists in Guatemala, and everywhere else in the world to differing degrees. You have to take it in and accept it as a piece of the current puzzle of the world we live in. To choose to take it all in negatively would be to ignore the humanity of those living in the lowest economic extreme.  But, to see only the warm and positive side of those living in poverty would mean you are partaking in promoting what people call 'picturesque poverty'.

A young girl selling dolls, while carrying around her baby brother in Panahachel. 

The truth is Guatemala has a real crisis on its hands, and the children are one of the biggest victims of this. Over 20% of Guatemala children will be forced to work to help support their family, and that number is even greater in the indigenous populations. Those who are sent to work, a fraction of them will be punished and abused if they dont meet their daily quota. Across the country, more than 25% will not be able to read or write when they grow up, nor receive an education after the 5th grade. These children are being robbed of their childhood, and it boils down to the children having to be put to work to help sustain life in their household/ their parents do not have the necessary funds to provide them with an education so they go to work instead. These children are forced to work polishing shoes, selling items in the streets, which can include food, garbage collectors, hair wrapping, and even construction work all to earn just a few Q's.

A young girl in Antigua whom I bought a scarf from and gave her the rest of the change in my purse, she was pretty excited to receive some American coins. 

As heartbreaking and unjust as it is,with or without the help of an adult, these children are able to create honorable work out of the few resources they have. I find that extremely impressive. At such a tender young age they have mastered the art of negotiating, customer service, and can even calculate the exchange rate in their head- something I need my calculator for, ALWAYS!

Young boy with his shoe shining kit in Guatemala City. 

So for now… what do you do? Do you avoid the scenes of begging street children like you avoid the tap water? Or do you trudge full force into the streets of Guatemala and challenge yourself to behave as if “they” are no different than “us”. Do you avoid taking any and all photos for fear of participating in the culture that embraces picturesque poverty? None of the above. They’re all one-dimensional, band-aid solutions.Here is what you should do; Remain open. Remain aware. Accept that extreme poverty exists in Guatemala. Do not avoid but do not seek it out either. Those living in poverty are not invisible. They are also not zoo animals in need of an audience. They are people and, in truth, that is what truly makes them so similar to us. Don’t try to “figure out” how to talk to, interact with, or otherwise engage people who live in poverty. As it pertains to your day to day interactions with them, they are simply people. Not until those who are struggling in the margins of society are truly seen as individual people will their status and situation change to one of true equality.

Young girl selling in Panahachel. 

What can you do to help? You are one person, most likely only staying for a short period of time. Well, you can treat the child or person in front of you like a person- not a symbol, not an abstract political talking point. That means asking before you take anyone’s photo, something I don't always do but need to practice more myself. It means striving to see the whole truth in a moment, not the pieces you expected to see. It means truly listening to the story before trying to re-tell it. It means witnessing without judgement. It means seeing the complex truth in all human beings, regardless of economic or social status. It means taking one more photo of the kid in front of you just because it makes him happy and you have five minutes to spare. It also means stopping the girl who tries to take your wallet, walking away when you feel uncomfortable, and refusing to be taken advantage of no matter how desperate the eyes looking back at you are. It means capturing joy and sorrow in your photos and in your journal (whether that be the pad of your heart or pad in your hand) It means reacting honestly to the individual standing in front of you, not reacting based on fear or preconceptions.

This little sweetie has been at a tourist stop selling items with her mom the past 2 years I have been going, it has been wonderful to watch her grow and see her each time we go to the Cross. 

There is a large mass of children surviving on the street without care or much consideration- a generation being left completely to their own.. There are such a large number of people living in desperate poverty that many fail to take notice any longer. As a whole, Guatemala seems to have turned its back on an entire segment of the population, a great many of them children. And yet, despite this tragic picture, every individual has a great story to tell and a wonderful smile to share.

I didn't buy anything from this honey, but I did offer to buy her a juice or milk, then of which another little boy came and he was blessed with the same refreshment. 

Guatemala is not an evil country and its' people are not bad people by any stretch of the imagination. Guatemala is any country, it is every country. Every nation struggles with its treatment of the most vulnerable of the population in some way.

Children playing alone in the streets in Panahachel

Young boy that I think most of us bought bracelets from in Panahachel.

No one can change the world alone. However, even alone one can change how we and some of those around us see the world. It is your responsibility as a visitor to Guatemala (and any country) to be a witness to humanity and to share what you have witnessed, honestly, with others. Do not glorify it, do not embelish it, do not clean it up- to do so would be to show disrespect to the very real struggles and joys of the individuals you have encountered along the way. By doing this you can help create a reality where we start to see the most vulnerable amongst us as individual people and thereby make it harder and harder to collectively turn our backs and walk away. What, otherwise, is the purpose of travel?

This little beauty walking on the streets alone.

This boy in the purple called us 'the white devils' for not buying from him. I cant be mad at him, can you imagine your next meal depending on if someone bought an item from you that is 50c American? The struggle they face daily is unimaginable.

He asked if I had any food, and thank goodness for United and complimentary Ranch Peanuts, he got a little snack :) 

I know, I know…. who am I to tell you how to take in the overwhelming experience that is Guatemala? I am no one really. Just a fellow person. A witness to humanity by choice.

I will never forget these two. We went to a festival in the parque at night and I ended up playing with them for hours while their mother sold items. They were a hoot!!!

HOW I FOUND MY PURPOSE AMIDST THE BEAUTIFUL MESS OF GUATEMALA

Guatemala will tear up your heart at the same rate it will make you fall in love with it, a place so alluring and beautiful filled with people so gracious, warm and approachable that its hard to take in the immeasurable amount of poverty which is so prevalent.  

When skies turn to grey, don't let the dark blind the way. 

The mountains and volcanoes help to make a breathtaking view, the old Spanish colonial buildings which tower over you, and the bustling capital of Guatemala City are not the only things that stay with you, nor are they the only images you will return home with imprinted on your heart. 

Beneath the simplicity of life and serenity of landscape is the luscious chaos and beautiful mess which makes up the majority of Guatemala. 

Sure, you can learn all about what I am referring to if you browse the internet, but what if you experience it first hand? You will see it. You will know it. You will hear it. You will smell it.  You will feel it in you as you travel through each day. The begging and shouts of ‘one dollar’ from the kids who know how to say ‘no school today’ when you ask why they are out working, the eyes that meet and lock with yours that reveal a look into their past, the smiles which come across those faces which resonate from their hearts, sometimes the only thing they have to hold of their own. 

It was during those moments in June of 2014 which I vowed to myself and the country that I would return back to make a difference, (I wasn’t sure in what capacity, but have since found my purpose) and I have kept my promise and returned four times since. Oh goodness my oh my, how blessed and grateful I am that the Lord has kept this path lit with his love, guidance and protection, and has seen to it that my prayers come to fruition. Not just for me, but for our whole Guate family. 

Rain from Heaven wash over me and you. 

I am such a huge advocate of volunteering, but if done the correct way and for the right reasons. Not to throw shade on organizations out there, but we all aren’t naive to the fact organizations exist out there that do not have the best intentions at heart. Im not volunteering because it sounds good or it was something that was on my non-existent bucket list, those who know me know the bucket list thing is totally not me! :P Im doing it because it’s the first thing in life, besides accepting Christ as my savior and being with Jon, that feels right. Ok, so that makes it my third thing in life.  Something in me clicked that June, what I saw and felt affected me to the point that I never stopped thinking about it and I returned home knowing my calling in life was to be the hands and feet of the Lord in Guatemala. Each and every day I pray to be lead where my trust is without borders and for him to lead me. Not to only lead me, but to open my heart and hear him so i know where he is leading me. I have to remember he has never failed, and keep my focus on him, no matter how dark skies get sometimes. 

Love is night, and love is day. 

I have, unfortunately, been told by people that I can’t change the world. Well, not with that attitude silly! While I know I can’t change the whole world myself alone, I believe in the ripple effect. I know somewhere in the world I am inspiring someone, it may take a day, or five years, but I believe someone out there will become inspired and go on to help others in some way, whatever that flame in their heart be when it gets ignited. I will keep doing me , keep feeding the flames in my heart the word of God, stoking the furnace with prayer, and allow the Holy Spirit to work in me and in the process I know it will bring other flames closer to mine and those flames will spread and become so enormous and do such remarkable things that only God knows what will come of it.  

There's always beauty in the struggle. 

Giving Gratefully

Its no secret that the United States generally has a bit more than it needs. Now I am not saying that everybody has a comfortable life here, there are a great number of under privileged people in desperate need of help and understanding, they exist in my own life, closer than you think. But for those who do have all we need, we are so used to our way of life that it is difficult to understand what living in real poverty in the rest of the world means. In some under developed nations, more than half the populations survive on an amount equivalent to U.S. $1 a day.


Lets paint a picture for you so you can understand more clearly. You wake up in a warm, clean bed, you mosey your way into a steaming hot shower with running water. Clean water. You put on your pressed outfit which was thoroughly planned out, make yourself some tea/coffee in a kitchen which is filled with conveniences to help you do this. Then you get into your car, or local transportation to get you to wherever you have to go. Sound about right?

Now imagine waking up on a muddy, cold floor. Your body is unprotected from the insects which inhabit your home. There is no running water or clean water for that matter to bath in, and you are wearing the same clothes which you have been in for days, if not weeks. There isn't much to eat, nor safe water to drink in your kitchen, which is lacking of the essentials you need. You then proceed for your very long walk to work, school or to get water.

Sure, that situation is not everywhere, but in parts of the world this is an everyday normal for people. Pretty unfair and unjust right? No human deserves to live in such conditions. Would you be able to use this 'sink' as your kitchen?

After my multiple travels to Guatemala, and witnessing these conditions, the smells and sounds, I still find myself in a constant battle...with myself. Why? Why do I still feel that internal struggle that is not unfamiliar. I make the decision to travel to Guatemala twice a year. I make every day sacrifices in my life in order to serve as the hands and feet of the Lord. No, I am not tooting my own horn, it truly is not the works of myself, it is the work of the Lord, and I am honored to be doing this. But why do I feel this feeling when I am faced with these harsh realities of the world? Why do I feel like I am not giving enough, or I could be giving more? As a compassionate 25 year old woman, with so much love for those who need it, why do I feel like I am standing there cloaked in my armor of privilege? Why do I still feel so much guilt?
My theory on this boils down to maybe it is because I am in a position where I am forced to acknowledge my own privileges. While I am grateful for my life, witnessing real poverty puts a whole lot into perspective. I am forced to acknowledge one of the very pertinent differences between myself (people with a similar life, or more privilege to me) and the less privileged. This difference exists simply because I was born under different circumstances. What if I were born in a developing country? that could be me, that could be you.

Here in the States, there are homeless. There are people begging. There are people who need assistance. But despite that, there is an un-mistakeable lack of poverty which is to the level of poverty in developing countries. Popultions in developing countries do not have assistance from their governments, or systems in place to help them. Their struggle to survive is on their own, or from people such as you and I who choose to give back. The differences can be categorized by '1st World "Poor" vs. '3rd World "Poor" if you are in a first world country, such as the U.S., you have the freedom to be financially stable, you have to remember you are capable, and you cant be too proud to utilize the assistance. I am not saying this means people should not help those who are in need in first world countries, I believe that you should follow your tug and help those whom your heart tells you to, whether they are in a first or third world country. No one deserves to go hungry, or not have safe shelter. I give back locally, and internationally, and internationally is where most of my volunteering efforts go, based on my own personal experiences. This can be a very controversial topic, and one that you will either agree or disagree on, and I am OK with that. it is all personal perspective, and one that I stand strong behind after experiencing such poverty first hand.

Not a day goes by where I do not think of or pray for those I have come across in Guatemala, and those whom I have yet to meet. The realities I have faced have molded me to become who I am and continue to shape me each and every day. I have accepted the fact that I will feel those feelings of guilt, for which reasons I have expressed above. And that is ok. I just have to not beat myself up over it. I have to remember that I am doing all that I can to help this global crisis. Each opportunity I have where I can give back, lend a helping hand, or give a smile to a needing heart, I am grateful. I am grateful because while I may not feel like I am doing enough, I am making a positive impact, no matter how small. Maybe I will teach someone how to not only take action to bring the change, but inspire others to join in on the journey to bring positive change to this world.